Going Home

Well, our little man will be going home tomorrow morning. He will also be leaving home.

This is okay, for reasons I’ve already shared with you. I’m sure some of you are like “you said it was fine, and then you described an extensive grieving process… so which is it?”

It’s both, actually. It is good, and it is the right thing probably, as far as we know, and it is a rare instance of “the system” producing results just like it hopes to do.

But also, I will very, very likely never see him again after tomorrow morning. He will grow up, and we won’t know him at all. We won’t know where he is, or how he is, or who he is.

We signed up for this, yes. We knew it would happen. We’ll get through it. But dadgummit I’m going to cry for a while because that little warm wiggly body won’t be in my arms any more. Ever. He will still shriek and smile with delight I am sure, but it will never again be because I walked into a room. Which is okay. I’m not narcissistic enough to think it’s a huge deal that I’m not the one that will be making him happy. He won’t be the one making me happy, either. Well, I guess in memories, photos, videos. That’s something…?

I am going to be real with you too – it has been a pretty difficult process the past 5 weeks with our toddler. He is up nights crying, admitting he is tired and saying he wants to go to bed, but then he sobs when we put him to bed and he is miserable and he can’t entirely understand why. He calls out for Mama at 1, 3, 4, 5 in the morning and when I come in he is profoundly confused, because I am Mama all day, and he likes me a lot, but that’s not really what he was looking for.

I have been trying to comfort and attend to this little displaced person who just didn’t fit and didn’t understand the new world around him… all the while knowing that that is exactly what I am sending our baby into soon. He is so happy now. So content. He snuggles up to me now like nobody is going anywhere, and I know and he doesn’t, and sometimes it feels cruel. He is the most easygoing baby in the world, so maybe he won’t even mind. He has seen his dad every week for 10 months, he knows him well. Maybe he’ll just take to it like a duck to water. Maybe.

We have done what we set out to do, he is going to his home and his family, it is okay. It is okay.

I have to keep shutting out the voice in my head that says he was “the unicorn” as my foster friends called him (a sweet, well-adjusted baby who sleeps all night and is content all day) and no other kid that we get is ever going to be as great. It is true that no other kid will be the same, ever. Ever. But our forever kid is out there, and they are who we are supposed to have. This will all make sense some day. Right?

And he will be better off, for the rest of his life, because of the safety and security and affection that we gave him over the past 10 months.

And he will be better off, for the rest of his life, because of the safety and security and affection that we gave him over the past 10 months.

And he will be better off, for the rest of his life, because of the safety and security and affection that we gave him over the past 10 months.

And he will be better off, for the rest of his life, because of the safety and security and affection that we gave him over the past 10 months.

Right?

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized
4 comments on “Going Home
  1. Teresa says:

    Right. And,……the God of All Comfort has got you……….not sayin’ that makes it easy………..

  2. Susan Webster says:

    Yes, he was experienced unconditional love in his young life…some never experience that in their entire lifetime..

    YES!

  3. Angie says:

    Praying for you today…

  4. Ruth Kraut says:

    You might think about making a photo album (or a photo book!) of your first foster child. And maybe of each and every one of them. Photo memories can be precious.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 25 other followers

%d bloggers like this: