I have a sort of sickish weird feeling when I think about fostering, particularly about my working/non-working/ministry/day-care/S-A-H-M/gaaaaaaaah that will take shape once that situation occurs.
I don’t know who these strange children will be in my house. I don’t know how old they will be, how wild or affectionate, how potty-trained or verbal, how demanding. I don’t know what Dane’s and my relationship will be like, because while I believe that we have a substantial, solid, (and FUN-tastic!) foundation, it will be changed, irrevocably, in some way. I don’t know what our evenings and weekends will look like, or the insides of our cars, or our sleep schedules, or our little disorganized house.
I don’t know what our family will look like on our 10th anniversary or our 20th, or on December 25, 2012. Or which kid or set of kids that spends a year (+/-) in our house will end up actually being The (Forever) Family Daniels.
I knew all this – I knew about each and every one of these things, but it hits differently with a framed license in our kitchen… I guess in honesty it’s hit differently day by day and week by week and month by month since we first sent an inquiry email almost a year ago.
I hang onto the determination that I felt and had repeatedly affirmed by Dane, and tried to likewise affirm in Dane, over the past year, where with every step we both were clearly confident in this direction. I still believe firmly, even in the most anxious, fear-filled times, that this is what we should do.
Honestly, that’s the biggest thing that chills me out. The certainty isn’t gone. No amount of assurances of “but when they show up with their sweet little faces” or “you and Dane will still enjoy each other” or “they’ll be potty trained eventually” or any other circumstantial-type encouragement really knocks that panic-dragon down to manageable size… Just the fact that even now, I have not yet had a time when I wasn’t sure we made the right call.
Does that sound contradictory? It is, I guess. To be actually, truthfully completely gut-wrenched and panic-stricken and still sure. There are a few things in my life that have been that way – I know they’re right and can keep my feet planted on them even if every emotion and circumstance – and even logic – don’t want to, don’t have to, don’t see the point, don’t understand. Being married to Dane, signing MobilePack contracts, and this, for some reason, stand out. There is/was a YES deeper than anything explainable. Fun? Often, not always. Smart? Maybe. Easy? Probably not, but occasionally. Right? Definitely.
And that means: Maybe we can do this, even when we totally can’t do this.